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Thursday, March 26, 2009
Mothering From Afar
There are many reasons a mother might not live with her children. But there seems to be only one reaction to those mothers: harsh judgment. Katy Read looks into the lives and emotions of non-custodial mothers.
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22 comments:
Gentle treatment of a painful subject. I'm a non-custodial mother; I went voluntarily from 12 years of SAHM, the last two in shared custody (I write about my experience in Mothering From Afar, my column at Literary Mama) to a one-or-twice yearly visit. People have little understanding of the dynamic unless they've experienced it, but I believe that the idea of a mother giving up her children is painful for many. It brings up questions about their own identities, questions they may prefer to remain unasked. I've received mostly wholehearted support but also a fair amount of vitriol and judgment. It's just not within the spectrum of what most people think of as "normal" and "reasonable" to find that sometimes it can be better for kids (and their moms) to be raised by someone other than their mothers.
I still find this painful; it's been less than a year and we're still working out what this new family dynamic is going to look like. I suspect it may always be a work in progress, and while my story may be similar ("Mother Chooses Not to Parent her Children") to the stories of so many other women, the details for each of us will remain personal and unique, even when society paints us with a broad brush.
Thanks again for the way you approached this sensitive subject.
Perhaps abusive mothers are in the minority, numerically - but I've been on the other side of the table, raising a child that at 11 yrs old, wanted to live with her uncle and his wife because her mother was abusive. We used to get phone calls at 3 a.m., accusing us of stealing her child, threatening us unless we let her keep the child's social security payment for the deceased father, and generally being a huge stressor. The child now, at 18, is: bulemic, a compulsive liar, a thief, violent with family members, never shows remorse, and incredibly lazy. I don't think that it's all the mother's fault, but if I had it to do over again, I'd just let the court system take the child.
This article is well written, covering a very difficult subject. I wondered if in the larger research, non-custodial disabled mothers were interviewed? in the work that i do, I have come across this situation too often. there is an assumption that no matter how independent a disabled woman is, the able-bodied parent is preferred by the courts. Further, there is a lack of accessibly built family housing to support parenting and custody. I would be interested in your experience with these non-custodial mothers.
Great point, Jewelles, thanks for bringing this up. Would love to hear more about it!!
From another non-custodial mother. Great article. My case was a little different still because ours was an international relocation case and there was some measure of nationality bias. The native father was granted primary custody over me despite the fact that I offered a more stable family life, ergo, a husband and another child and I work from home. The court-appointed psychologist who interviewed us perceived friction and jealousy in their relationship, which, to my mind, is normal sibling rivalry. He also seemed to pity the father who would be left "all alone" (he is an unmarried restaurant and bar owner) after his kids left the country with their mother and made his decision accordingly. We were given joint legal and physical custody but primary residence at the father's home.
The paragraph about the children's perspective is extremely important. It was very difficult for them to have to answer questions about why their mother "took off". My daughter and son both faced that problem, regardless of how many times I would visit, show up at their school, see their friends.
I also feel that bias at their school. One of my daughter’s teachers recently advised her father during a parent-teacher meeting to not allow my daughter to travel to the US to visit her mother over winter break because she came back “distracted”. I guess they don’t attach much value to children spending time with their mother, or perhaps it would be a proper “punishment” for my having moved away.
Anyway, the article struck a chord. Thanks.
I think you did an AWESOME job covering the subject and KUDDOs to you!
I was a non-custodial mother not by choice about 13 years ago and had to do my best to "mother from afar."
What has helped me the most is to participate in on-line groups that focus on this subject and help each other be good mothers and to get through this all.
Yes, as parents, we face many of the same challenges that non-custodial fathers face, but many of the challenges are different and truly unique.
Children do deserve both parents and I'm hoping that the courts get that sooner vs. later.
For moms who would like a board to talk about this very subject, come join us at "www.ncpmoms.com"
I too faced the school game and was told "Well, you abandoned your son!" which are the exact words his father and girlfriend use to describe what happened.
Again, awesome article which I printed and passed on to my daughter who just got divorced.
Kudos to the author!
I am also a non-custodial mother. I too, have felt like the school would rather not acknowledge my existence.
It also many times feels as if nothing the non-custodial parents does is right. If we buy our children something, we are seen to be "buying the kids" and not really parenting. If we are minimal in what we buy for them, then the attitude is "you would think they could at least buy something for the child- they're never here to take care of them."
If we stick to the time allotted to us, we are horrible for not "wanting the child more", if we ask for the child more, we are just trying to lower child support or we are just trying to look good.
Being a non-custodial mother is a minefield of issues.
Hi, I just want to encourage everyone to visit my website - Noncustodial Parent Community http://ncpcommunity.com. I comment on news about noncustodial parents and share tips and resources from my experience and that of others.
noncustodial.mama@gmail.com
http://ncpcommunity.com
Very well done article, got me thinking. I am at the end of a 14 yr marriage,but I'm stuck because I don't know what to do with/about my 2 kids 9 & 12? I don't have a career, east or west coast, but if I have to start anew post-marriage I want to be Where I want to be, which is LA. I'm going to be 48 that's old enough to wait this long I feel. also-My soon to be ex-husband is a great Dad, very capable. I've gotten tons of advice; "You can't leave your kids!" and "Go to California, they will love you anyway, take care of yourself.." I am wrecked with impending guilt and lonliness if I leave them here (My ex would never let me take them) but if I stay it's the continuation of being controlled by him and not leading the life I want. Help!
I have been a NCM for ten years. I have lived the discrimination from school personnel. One Superintendent actually said, "You mean they allow children to LIVE with YOU?" upon learning that I had recently given birth to my second child with my new husband.
While the stigma of being a NCM leaves a lasting impression on the mother, my concern is the effects on the children. I hope to see more research on this topic in the future.
By the way, I am a nurse and a drug and alcohol counselor. I hold an MEd. I have full secruity clearances connected to my employment and I hold child abuse and criminal clerances. Somehow, I can never discuss my NCM status without making all this clear. What I lacked was money and connections in court.
Amen to that. He with the deepest pockets and/or social status usually wins. And the system is not set up to monitor the progress of the NCM so things can change. There is also so very much corruption involved in the court system when it comes to attorneys, custody monitors, mental health professionals. One had washes the other. It's so very sad and it can go on until one is broke...or emotionally broken.
Good article, Katy. Thank you for the attention to the subject from 14 month NCM.
Great article. What a difficult subject. It strikes me that one or doctors interview our children and the involved adults, other parent and their spouses, and the court gives great heft to their opinion. Yet, I have been deathly ill and never would think to allow one or two opinions for my treatment. Different schools turn out different opinions. I know, I know, It´s the money. Who can afford visits with doctor after doctor.
Sad, but true. I don´t know the answer. Maybe developing a computer program to use as an assist in the personality testing would help. Certainly it could not dictate the outcomes but it would be cheaper. I know they have many tests available for other things like "do what you are". Perhaps your sytle of parenting, your parenting priority index, your ability to support the child, etc.
Just wandering around that idea.
I did give up my 17 yo daughter so that she could go to another school. I see her almost daily. She is learning how to drive with me and I am the contact parent at school for any career or guidance type issues only because I developed the relationships with the school personnel. I e mail the teachers, I attend her track meets.
I learned to parent as I go along. I ask lots of questions and model myself after no single person but I am a conglomerate of many.
My mother left me alone in NY after my father died so I grew up very fast. The other kids would vie to stay out late I could care less. I had no one to rebel against, so when I was tired I went home. I went to school because was lonely at the house, no one there most of the time, lunch (had to eat) and the acclaim from the teachers (built my sense of worth). It´s ok to not pass on these traits. its ok for my daughter to experience other worlds and touch back with me. She is an incredibly kid. She is not without her faults, we all got them, but she is learning early in her young adulthood, late teenage hood to deal with life on its terms.
Someone once told me about raising kids, just water them, let them grow and let them know what you stand for. Remind them that "Being first doesn´t make anyone want to be your friend." Then always let know where you are located so that if they need you, they got you.
Of course I feel that we need to not jump to conclusions and judgement with non-custodial mothers. However, I do have a problem with the mother, Spicuglia, who gave up custody because she wanted to live in NY. That I cannot accept as OK. Once she made the decision to be a mother, she was giving up her freedom. While it's fine that she gave her husband and his family full custody, she could have absolutely stayed down the block. She will not have my sympathy or understanding for moving ACROSS THE COUNTRY from her child. Those tears in his eyes at the airport communicates that very well. I also don't take employment as an excuse for living far away from your children. I'd live in a box if it meant that I could be near my children. It just doesn't make any sense to me why any mother would choose to move far away. Couldn't that be considered neglect? I am honsetly asking these questions because I want to hear from non-custodial moms so perhaps I can understand this situation in a different light. Thanks.
Kind of bittersweet article for me. I am married to a man with four children from his previous marriage. Despite both parents living in the same neighborhood, the courts determined that the children were not able to stay overnight at our house since my husband (joint legal and physical custody) was not the "primary residential custodian". Even though, with the birth of my children, I was the only SAH parent, I was unable to pick up the older children from school because I wasn't a "real parent". The artificial divisions on what is or is not "proper parenting" and who occupies the "moral high ground" is a terrible judgment on blended families and non-custodial parents of either gender.
A little reminder...the president's mother was non-custodial for most of his life...he seems to have turned out just fine...
" The couple married on February 2, 1961,[13] and Barack was born later that year. His parents separated when he was two years old and they divorced in 1964.[12] Obama's father returned to Kenya and saw his son only once more before dying in an automobile accident in 1982.[14]"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama
President Obama was not raised by his father, and his mother was custodial.
This was a difficult article for me to read. My mother was a non-custodial parent back when it was even more unusual--the early 1980s. Although I think she did the right thing, I missed her terribly and had a difficult time going through puberty without my mom guiding me. As a child, I did not understand why she left me. I saw her only weekly, and then less than that when my Dad moved me to a nearby state (although I was allowed all of the phone calls I wanted and my dad would make sure I got to visit regularly).
Today, at age 40, I have a great relationship with both my mom and dad, but I had to go through a few years of counseling in my early 20s to deal with my feelings of abandonment with regard to my mother. Now I accept the circumstances and the wound is healed (albeit with a small scar). It affects me still, though, in this way: I have a daughter of my own and feel I couldn't/wouldn't leave her for anything. I am fierce about it.
My feeling about my own daughter is not a judgement of non-custodial moms. I know the decision is difficult. I support my own mom in her decision. I'm just giving the perspective of a child who lived through it.
I've sat in the bleachers at my children's little league baseball game, apart from the group of Mom's who bring juice boxes and fruit roll-ups for after game snack time, and pretty much felt like Hell Boy. Little do they know I spent most of my early years keeping score, baking cookies on a weekday afternoon and driving my kids to practice in the mini van. I've seen the sideways glances and their heads drawn together in discussion afterwards. I've even overheard the thinly guarded whisper of "what kind of Mother leaves her children?".
I happen to be the bread winner in my family. I am the kind of woman who knew my children needed health insurance benefits and wouldn't have them if we relied on Daddy to work a full time job. I am the kind of woman who had a difficult time quickly recovering financially and emotionally when it was revealed that my husband of 17 years was dangerously unfaithful and it would be a hazard to my health to stay married to him. I want to tell them, "The kind of Mother who reels from devastation but has to take the reigns of her life back in order to provide a secure life for her children again".
I'm not a drug addict, I've never raised a hand to anyone, I don't drink, I am actually a great full time stay at home Mom and have many years under my belt doing just that. But sometimes, the Father becomes the "better parent" completely by default. In my case, his mistakes in our marriage led to me needing to give him temporary physical custody until I could financially support my 3 children without relying on him. 90 days past and his new girlfriend made sure to hire a lawyer and make the situation permanant. I couldn't "fight back" financially and it would have upset our children's lives even more so I agreed. Now, I pay child support, see my children every other weekend and on Holidays and have to go to their schools for Parent Teacher night and smile at them when they show me artwork featuring their Hero... a crayon drawing of Dad.
Hell Boy or unsung hero? Maybe women shouldn't judge each other so harshly. At least not until they know the whole story.
Three years ago, I was forced to leave my daughter (then 4 years old) with her father because he wanted to end the marriage and marry my best friend. I was in shock and had no money or family. I had to allow my daughter to stay with her father because he is wealthy and has his own mother to help.
This has been extremely painful for my daughter and for me. She is taken care of, they have a mini-mansion and a pool and a good school system. I am poor, and have to live in the next state, where I could find a better job. I see her every other weekend, and on holidays and summers. It is not enough. Not only am I treated like a monster by my ex-husband's family, I have no idea how to assert my rights. I'm sad that my former friend gets to raise my daughter and I simply do not have the money or resources to provide for her.
My situation is against my will, but there is still a stigma, and I have little hope of recovering from this. My life is empty without my daughter. I don't know what to do.
Anonymous and others struggling with this situation, here are some state-by-state resources for noncustodial mothers:
http://justice4mothers.wordpress.com/noncustodial-moms-pages/
Also, of course, please check out the Noncustodial Parent Community http://ncpcommunity.com.
Take care,
Katy Read
I have limited empathy and no sympothy for these mothers. I am a non custodial father who has been to court 10 times in the fast 4 years to attempt to get custody in a bias system, I have experianced every bit the the degradation described and more, funny how the assumption of abuse, neglect, cheating, and titles like deadbeat are so rapidly tied to a father whose only crime was at one point loving an unfaithful woman. Yet all you hear about is the sob stories of women. My ex was and is controling, and abusive, and after years of working grindstone jobs to support her through a masters degree she finially took her degree all our possesions and my children and ran off with another man. did she face any conciquences for her actions? no infact she now has a household income of over 100,000 dollars. Any gratitude for the life my hard work afforded her? yep It amounted to her accusing me of everything she did, followed by throwing me in jail after i lost my job as a result of the company going out of buisness, and not affording the rediculouse child support payments. so now i have the title criminal to accompany everything else she branded me with and robbed me of. any mother boohooing about their situation should see how the other side lives.
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