In this debate, Renée Hill argues that yes, it is. Kathy Gillen says nope—it sends the wrong message.
Monday, March 10, 2008
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Talk to us, baby.
In this debate, Renée Hill argues that yes, it is. Kathy Gillen says nope—it sends the wrong message.
8 comments:
Wow--it was cool to see the other side of the debate! Looking forward to hearing from everyone.
I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I know folks like Alfie Kohn say that rewards (and punishments) are always horrible (they're practically child abuse!) but I like the way we do it in our family - it's sort of a middle ground. I don't outright "bribe" my kids - and I virtually never use food as any kind of reward (don't want to set up weird food issues in my two girls). But I do help them realize natural good consequences and bad consequences of the choices they make.
I'm trying to help them develop a sense of pride in what they do, and for them to get a sense of intrinsic satisfaction. Cheap bribes seem to me to be distracting the child from learning that inherent satisfaction.
I guess I'm a no-bribes kind of person in general, but I don't think that brazenly rewarding a kid every now and then (or bribing/enticing them) is the worst thing ever. Just not a good habit to get into. What do you do when the kid doesn't want what you're offering any longer? What do you have to "hold over them" then? Seems much better to me to help them develop the satisfaction that one gets from doing something well. Not to train them to have the materialistic tendencies of one who is just going for the bribe. That's not to say that we don't bargain with our kids, or offer them things in response to them giving something up or performing some action (yes, you can go to the movies, but not until your homework is done - that's fair, and it's not a bribe, it's just a timeline and a requirement of completion!) I guess it just depends on how it's presented. Unhealthy bribes are like pornography: I can't really define it, but I know it when I see it. And when I see myself coming this close to bribing my kids, I make a hasty left turn and try to come up with another way.
I have to say Kathy Gillen didn't seem to talk much about rewarding kids so much as offering them consolation prizes. How are the two situations even similar? One is earned by effort and hard work... the other is given out of some sense of pity.
Perhaps if the topic was "should I buy my kids treats?" her answer would have been more relevant.
I have been an instructor of the Redirecting Children's Behavior Course for the past 17 years and this article supports what we teach in our course.
Our kids do not need to be rewarded. They need their parents love, attention and hugs....
We have way to many young adults and kids who are growing up with the mindset of 'what's in it for me!' Or you can call it the entitlement program.
thank you for a very heartwarming and truthful article...
Susie
I had too much to say about this and so posted about it on my blog.
I have to agree that the "con" article was more about giving consolation prizes. With anything you have to find balance. At work would you work for a boss who laid out criticisms all the time and never gave you a compliment? Would you work a lifetime for a company that never rewarded you for your extra hard work, sacrifices, and more?
Let's talk about culture, shall we? My mother and her siblings grew up in a very old-school home with two parents who never rewarded or acknowledged their achievements but always pointed out mistakes and flaws. Sadly, my mother and her siblings grew up feeling their parents' love was conditional. Did you guess we're East Asian?
It is a disservice to children to be negative or indifferent. Rewards and positive reinforcement are necessary to establishing children's self-esteem, which will later carry them through life's cruelties.
Both mothers came of their opinions from personal experience, so I'll share mine as well.
After years of reading parenting theories, including behaviour modification, and learning about being a parent, we decided to take the route of no punnishment, no reward. But, that didn't mean that there were no consequences. It was very difficult sometimes to find natural consequences. But we tried to look at principles. If you made a mess, you cleaned it up. It you broke something, you fixed or replaced it. If you made an act of kindness, you received acknowledgement for the act, and attention to the results, not a "You're good girl for helping grandma" Their art work received a "Wow! I can see you really like the color red." Or, "I see you're really proud of your picture. Would you like to hang it up?" Or my favorite "Tell me about it."
I rarely said that I was proud of their accomplishments, but acknowledged their hard work, perserverence and sense of self pride in a job well done. I believe that when we accept pride for our child's accomplishments, we deny the opportunity to have the child reflect on their own feelings. We dolled out lots of hugs, had frequent celebrations, and shared their joy in accomplishments.
My kids survived into adulthood with healthy self esteme, as good citizens, and people I want to spend time with. They now call often to share their low moments and their accomplishments too. I can now step back and feel an extreem sense of pride in a job well done. Principled parenting worked for us...but it wasn't ever easy. I'm glad we chose not to reward, but rather, to acknowledge.
I would rather my son learn the value of positive reward for work done than doing something because of fear. Fear isn't a real motivator and we all, as adults are rewarded for the work we do. Usually it is in the form of a paycheck.
In life isn't there a benefit for everything?
As with all things, kids are individuals and their motivations and rewards should be individually based.
Hey, give me dark chocolate and I'll give you...
Catherine, the redhead blogger
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