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Monday, March 10, 2008
Is Rewarding Kids a Good Parenting Practice?
In this debate, Renée Hill argues that yes, it is. Kathy Gillen says nope—it sends the wrong message.
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11 comments:
Wow--it was cool to see the other side of the debate! Looking forward to hearing from everyone.
I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I know folks like Alfie Kohn say that rewards (and punishments) are always horrible (they're practically child abuse!) but I like the way we do it in our family - it's sort of a middle ground. I don't outright "bribe" my kids - and I virtually never use food as any kind of reward (don't want to set up weird food issues in my two girls). But I do help them realize natural good consequences and bad consequences of the choices they make.
I'm trying to help them develop a sense of pride in what they do, and for them to get a sense of intrinsic satisfaction. Cheap bribes seem to me to be distracting the child from learning that inherent satisfaction.
I guess I'm a no-bribes kind of person in general, but I don't think that brazenly rewarding a kid every now and then (or bribing/enticing them) is the worst thing ever. Just not a good habit to get into. What do you do when the kid doesn't want what you're offering any longer? What do you have to "hold over them" then? Seems much better to me to help them develop the satisfaction that one gets from doing something well. Not to train them to have the materialistic tendencies of one who is just going for the bribe. That's not to say that we don't bargain with our kids, or offer them things in response to them giving something up or performing some action (yes, you can go to the movies, but not until your homework is done - that's fair, and it's not a bribe, it's just a timeline and a requirement of completion!) I guess it just depends on how it's presented. Unhealthy bribes are like pornography: I can't really define it, but I know it when I see it. And when I see myself coming this close to bribing my kids, I make a hasty left turn and try to come up with another way.
I have to say Kathy Gillen didn't seem to talk much about rewarding kids so much as offering them consolation prizes. How are the two situations even similar? One is earned by effort and hard work... the other is given out of some sense of pity.
Perhaps if the topic was "should I buy my kids treats?" her answer would have been more relevant.
I have been an instructor of the Redirecting Children's Behavior Course for the past 17 years and this article supports what we teach in our course.
Our kids do not need to be rewarded. They need their parents love, attention and hugs....
We have way to many young adults and kids who are growing up with the mindset of 'what's in it for me!' Or you can call it the entitlement program.
thank you for a very heartwarming and truthful article...
Susie
I had too much to say about this and so posted about it on my blog.
I have to agree that the "con" article was more about giving consolation prizes. With anything you have to find balance. At work would you work for a boss who laid out criticisms all the time and never gave you a compliment? Would you work a lifetime for a company that never rewarded you for your extra hard work, sacrifices, and more?
Let's talk about culture, shall we? My mother and her siblings grew up in a very old-school home with two parents who never rewarded or acknowledged their achievements but always pointed out mistakes and flaws. Sadly, my mother and her siblings grew up feeling their parents' love was conditional. Did you guess we're East Asian?
It is a disservice to children to be negative or indifferent. Rewards and positive reinforcement are necessary to establishing children's self-esteem, which will later carry them through life's cruelties.
Both mothers came of their opinions from personal experience, so I'll share mine as well.
After years of reading parenting theories, including behaviour modification, and learning about being a parent, we decided to take the route of no punnishment, no reward. But, that didn't mean that there were no consequences. It was very difficult sometimes to find natural consequences. But we tried to look at principles. If you made a mess, you cleaned it up. It you broke something, you fixed or replaced it. If you made an act of kindness, you received acknowledgement for the act, and attention to the results, not a "You're good girl for helping grandma" Their art work received a "Wow! I can see you really like the color red." Or, "I see you're really proud of your picture. Would you like to hang it up?" Or my favorite "Tell me about it."
I rarely said that I was proud of their accomplishments, but acknowledged their hard work, perserverence and sense of self pride in a job well done. I believe that when we accept pride for our child's accomplishments, we deny the opportunity to have the child reflect on their own feelings. We dolled out lots of hugs, had frequent celebrations, and shared their joy in accomplishments.
My kids survived into adulthood with healthy self esteme, as good citizens, and people I want to spend time with. They now call often to share their low moments and their accomplishments too. I can now step back and feel an extreem sense of pride in a job well done. Principled parenting worked for us...but it wasn't ever easy. I'm glad we chose not to reward, but rather, to acknowledge.
I would rather my son learn the value of positive reward for work done than doing something because of fear. Fear isn't a real motivator and we all, as adults are rewarded for the work we do. Usually it is in the form of a paycheck.
In life isn't there a benefit for everything?
As with all things, kids are individuals and their motivations and rewards should be individually based.
Hey, give me dark chocolate and I'll give you...
Catherine, the redhead blogger
I have to agree with the other readers who have pointed out that Gillen’s article wasn't actually talking about rewards for good behavior, but about doling out consolation prizes for life’s disappointments. I don’t hand out prizes (except perhaps for the occasional Popsicle to help a booboo) when my kids experience disappointment, and I try very hard to rely on natural consequences to teach them life’s hard lessons. I would love for all three of my boys to see the intrinsic rewards in making good decisions, and I am inspired by the daily emails from a progressive parenting coach exhorting me not to resort to "bribery" or “coercion” to gain my child's cooperation, and encouraging me to find more joy in the moment with my children.
I’m pretty well persuaded that these parenting ideals are sound. Who wouldn't choose to parent that way all the time, given the arguments that kids who are rewarded for good behavior and punished for bad (even by such seemingly benign practices as a timeout or loss of a privilege) won’t turn into responsible, capable, motivated adults? I have used these creative or positive parenting methods effortlessly for the most part with my youngest, and they seem to be working beautifully. At 3 he is a joy to be around: independent, resourceful, respectful, cheerful, happy, motivated, trusting of other adults and eager to make friends.
His six year old brother--my middle child--on the other hand, is a different story. Well, not entirely. At his best he is charming, affectionate, bright, curious, generous hearted, funny as a stitch, irreverent, imaginative, and loving. At school, in his lovely Montessori classroom, he is gentle with the younger kids and engaging with his peers. With his demand for precision of language (“You said I couldn’t hurt him. You didn’t say I couldn’t kick him!”), he will make a great trial lawyer. Capable of great emotional responses and possessed of a mature, visceral appreciation for beauty and aesthetics, he could be an artist or a critic, a filmmaker, a method actor, a choreographer, a writer of black comedy.
He is also, in his many dark moments, depressive, anxious, intractable, defiant, helpless, hopeless, embarrassed, irritable, recalcitrant, and despondent. I have spent days and nights in despair wondering how to help this child whom I love fiercely and whole heartedly and who makes me question every instinct I have. I vacillate between feeling as though I haven't been able to set any limits with him at all and wondering whether I’ve turned him into a total wreck because I can't seem to control my own emotional outbursts w/ him.
And I have come in moments of despair and by exhausting trial and error, to believe firmly that this particular child of mine, for whatever reasons—and I’m fully prepared to take the blame— requires external motivations. At least at home he does--in my disorganized, creative, loving, dysfunctional, cluttered space. With a mother who is too easily swayed, who becomes too sympathetic in the moment, who tries too hard to be democratic and parent perfectly and then blows up when she has reached the limits of her patience. He wants to do the right thing and he wants to be able to get along with others, and he certainly wants to please me and feel good about himself.
It does neither of us any good for me to insist on parenting the right way, w/out rewards and punishments, b/c it means I end up in tears or tearing my hair out and he ends up feeling like he’s a terrible person. I have struggled with this issue a great deal over the years, but I know that once I set up a behavior system w/ him, where he is earning “points” and working toward an external reward, an immense change comes over him. You can see his whole body become flooded with relief. Proud of himself for being able to make the right decisions and control his body and temper, he becomes flexible and cheerful and optimistic.
So I can berate myself (and I often do), for using coercion and bribery to gain his cooperation, and for being unable to gain it in other ways, or I can choose to see this as practice for him: of working hard, of getting along well with other people, of being his best self. And when I see the difference, when I see how good he feels about himself when he’s making those choices, then I want to tell all those progressive parenting coaches to take a flying leap off a tall building. And I can trust that despite the initial motivator of a new Lego toy or a date with Mommy that eventually he will come to know the intrinsic rewards of being cooperative with adults, being respectful of his siblings, and sharing with his friends.
So for now, bring on the Legos and the extra Popsicles, bring on the slumber parties and the bowling outings. Bring on the special candlelight dinners and the moviemaking sessions. Bring on whatever it takes to make our flawed home a harmonious one. It sure as hell is a damned sight better than one with a mommy who ends up shouting or in tears all the time and a little boy who believes that we’d all be better off without him.
Genevieve, your blog comment was just what I needed to hear today. It's been one of those weeks. Please get in touch with me via my blog if you're so inclined. I'd love to email with you. Thank you for posting!!!
Paula thinks that this is not correct. I don't think so.
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