The Hipwaders Prove Size Doesn't Matter
40 minutes ago
Friday, December 7, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Talk to us, baby.
Subscribe to Brain, Child
Subscribe To
Posts
Comments
Mom Bloggers Who Love Brain, Child
-
-
Blipping In Bed On A Saturday Night7 hours ago
-
Goodbye Beach1 day ago
-
Skitter giveaway at Ohana Mama1 month ago
-
Playing At Home Vs. Going Out2 months ago
-
Preschool or Not for My Two-Year Old?4 months ago
-
Momversation: Punishing Your Children5 months ago
10 comments:
Donna,
I love your story of finding yourself again in your newest role as a mother. I am heartened that you have used your resources and found friendship and company as a mother.
In my opinion, there is nothing better than to be much-loved in a community of mothers.
The other Donna
Great article!
I too, discovered online communities after children, although I utilize them a bit differently. I have real life friends and playgroups but I use online forums such as Mothering Dot Commune (which I'm sure is the one she mentions in the article!) to post things that I need to "vent" about or get feedback about without having the face to face judgement. For me, its a good place to bring up things you want to avoid gossiping about or getting in contests about whose kid is better. Its also great for those 1 AM freaking out cause my kid puked up green stuff moments! Anyway, I can still relate to her experience and I don't think my online community takes the place of real friends.
Yup about the "natural parenting" forum. Most of the posters who were gentle and didn't label themselves left years ago.
Donna,
I have been part of online communities before there ever was a term for them. Years ago I was part of a small group of computer literate La Leche League Leaders who started an email list so that we could stay connected. It kept me going in the dark Northwest winter. But even more exciting was that the following summer I got to actually meet some of these fabulous women who had sustained me at an LLLI conference in person. And much to my surprise they were even better in person then online.
Since then I have used online communities when I simply can't find real mom's who "get" some of my more unique struggles. Through these online communities I have met women in neighboring towns who also may share some of my struggles and who I can talk more easily about the challenges that I face as a mom because they too are dealing with some of the same medical conditions or learning disabilities that make my mothering experience unique.
I am now a moderator for one site that I started visiting years ago when my son was first diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder. The one challenge in using online support is that sometimes people can get careless or they can write things that are hurtful or start a flame. Learning to keep the support on a message board "kind and gentle" can require skill and training. Not all message boards have good moderators and that is unfortunate. A good moderator is like a good group facilitator and can really bring an online group together and keep things friendly.
My suggestion to any mom who is using message boards for support is to read your posts before posting. Don't get involved in web-battles. Don't be afraid to connect with the real mom now and then. You might find that you make a real-world friend.
MDC can be a little off putting to some, but darn if they don't pull together when a member needs something, like the Holiday Helper program that gets needy families money and gifts to get through the holidays, and like when beloved members die, they pull together to help out the family left behind. You have to dig deeper but the real dirt inside MDC is good stuff ;)
Thanks for the comments.
I'd love to see some more dialogue start here about other people's experiences with online communities. It's a such a freaky and wonderful world out there. My own opinions keep changing about the role of the Internet in my life. I'm curious to hear Brain, Child readers' thoughts on this.
So, please - jump right in, folks. But be gentle!
[I love the word snark. I think it's really evocative of that certain brand of online nastiness we all know. I have been guilty of snarkiness, and will, no doubt, snark again. I just hope nobody snarks on me here. I'm just a little bit afraid!]
I agree with what dharmama said about how comforting it is to have somewhere to turn when the 1 AM green puke comes. And, yeah, I think the cover of anonymity (if you choose to be anonymous online) can be freeing. What worried me a bit, personally (should I throw in an "IMO?"), was how that anonymity brought out some of my less-than-great tendencies. I felt like even lurking on some of the bigger forums made me feel alternately judgmental and defensive, and made my need-to-please and fear-of-conflict alarms go off all over the place. That wasn't the fault of the forums, or their members, it was just part of my own process of figuring out where I fit in online and what role my computer could play in a healthy, sane life.
Now that I do finally have flesh-n-blood friends nearby, online life doesn't freak me out quite as much as it did at first. I've gotten much better at bopping from site to site, getting what I'm looking for and getting out quickly. But in those early days, when I was going through so many upheavals at once, spending time online usually left me feeling pretty sad and empty. Maybe I just didn't find the right links, but I really don't think the Internet all by itself could have brought me the degree of happiness and satisfaction (and relief!) that connecting with my actual, geographical community has.
I love that, thanks to technology, isolated people can find solace, and oddballs of every stripe can find like-minded oddballs. I'm sure there must be bagpipers' forums out there; Hummel collectors' groups; support networks for every disease and chronic condition in the book. How fabulous.
anonymous (if that is your real name), I too have seen the way Web groups can come together to help those in need, and it's one of the best things about online communities, I think. People can be so generous and compassionate - the flip side to all that snark! - and can act with remarkable speed when real emergencies strike. I am fully in favor of anything that helps people help other people, and I meant no offense to anyone's e-home. Just because something wasn't for me doesn't mean it's not valuable to others. 10,000 people can't be wrong, right?
I feel fortunate to have found a local group just the right size (not too crowded) and speed (moves quickly, but has welcome lulls) for my own metabolism. And yes, jill stacey, the role of the moderator cannot be overstated. My group is blessed with a good one, who keeps things civilized but not *too* civilized.
Seriously, post your thoughts, experiences, visions for the future of online parenting. To borrow Jennifer's phrase, let's get meta and talk about the Net while we're *on* the Net. What is the sound of one navel gazing at itself?
What a wonderful article! I love your writing style and agree *almost* 90% with you ;)
I was a moderator on that way too big, label yourself (which I never did manage to to), excessively used emoticons message board. I had to quit. In my goodbye thread I said the reason I quit was because I lost that sense of community I once had for the group. I lost the feeling of like mindedness. I would rather befriend my neighbor who doesn't do everything the way that I do it than mamaof2boys who I don't know and never will.
I also found online parenting forums after the birth of my first child five (long, long) years ago, and have spent (like others here, I gather) way too much of my hectic maternal life on them. I also fall into the "natural parenting" category but what drew me to these forums at first was the connections I could make with other moms who had babies with heart defects. My son had two heart surgeries as a baby and I received a lot of comfort from forums dedicated to 'heart babies.' None of my friends even had kids, and no one I knew had ever experienced what we were going through. The internet was invaluable. I could go online at 3am (while pumping breastmilk for my NICU baby) and get encouragement and support, and stories of successful surgery and recovery. There was life after the NICU, and as I had little family or local support, I couldn't have gotten through without them. Like the original Donna, I do think that online communities are a greater force for friendship and community than for "snark" as you so nicely put it, as I've also been able to connect with other "PhD moms" (I'm an academic, a tough career to have with young kids) and with moms from different parts of the world and from many different backgrounds whom I may have never had the chance to meet "in real life." However, I do think the tendency to forget that we are talking to actual people "in the box" is detrimental to the relationships that can be forged. I've had the best experience in a very small and tightly-knit community, where we have spent years getting to know each other as people, but even there the tendency to attack in the guise of being "honest" can be hurtful.
I think I must have forwarded this article to every new mom I know. I have spent countless hours online looking for answers, solutions, support and mere venting partners until I realized there were no cut-and-dry answers. I noticed there was a lot of anonymous "snarking" because it's so easy to quip and insult people who aren't standing in front of you.
Mostly, I realized that "natural" parenting is just that--what comes naturally to you. If that is bottles and cribs or breasts and family beds, than so be it. Reading this essay reminded me to breathe easy, believe in myself, and believe in others' ability to raise their children as they see fit. And we can all get along and still be friends and learn from each other!
The online communities definitely made me feel connected in an otherwise disconnected world some days, but I too, prefer the live, in-person version much more! The online world has facilitated my meeting some really wonderful people and moms, and I think that is what I have enjoyed most... the ability to connect with people I never would have met in person otherwise!
Somehow, I can never seem to make that jump - "lifting the veil of motherhood from the faces of the women in my community." That was a beautiful phrase.
No matter how many local online groups I frequent or how many in-person playgroups I attend, I always seem to feel a little out there, a little out-of-place, a little... lonely.
I hope someday I can cross that bridge into a real, live community of friends.
Post a Comment