Green meets unclean at the local strip mall. By Elisabeth De Vos.
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Wednesday, September 12, 2007
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31 comments:
I loved this essay, and, damn, I missed my chance to edit (read: interact with you about) it!
I love what you said about OCD being anxiety-inducing--and motherhood being anxiety-inducing. In your writer's box in the print version, you said that you've made some progress with the OCD. Does motherhood feel less anxiety-inducing now?
Thanks, Jennifer, and thanks also for publishing this essay. In answer to your question: yes, motherhood is less anxiety-inducing now that my OCD is largely under control. Of course, there's also the fact that I'm a few more years into motherhood, and in talking with non-OC friends, I've concluded that we all gain confidence as we go along. Either that, or we just get used to winging it. I'll add that young children are great at providing the desensitization therapy that is best for OCD--that is, at a certain point the anxiety-induced need to keep the child and her toys "clean" is overridden by the sheer futility! So I have my daughter to thank for my recovery, both in that she provided an overwhelming motivation to do the therapy and at times, the therapy itself. My values remain somewhat of a challenge, but it's easier to navigate those choices without so much OCD distortion.
When I first read this essay, I was tempted to dismiss it. No, that's not exactly true. I was tempted to dismiss the author. After all, her lifestyle and her psychological condition make her immediately other and alien. Was I supposed to find the essay amusing? Was I supposed to be disturbed? Feel superior? Or should I just flip on past?
Yet I could not dismiss the essay or how Ms. de Vos presents her fears and doubts, the way she is willing to step across her safety boundaries to do what is best for her child. And in this, of course, her circle of experience crosses over into the common jumble of motherhood.
With each new milestone our children approach, our beliefs and fears and ideals are tested. We all have to stick our big toe in the water (or on the not-so-clean carpet) and see if the benefit to our particular child is more important than our personal fears and convictions.
Thank you, Ms. de Vos, for your story and the opportunity to cross out of my own circle of experience for a fuller view of motherhood.
Loved the essay, BUT, after all the fretting about asbestos in the ceiling, ink stamps at Kindermusik, etc., you end it HAPPY that someone is going to drive 45 minutes to your house? Sorry, but after all the mention of organic vegetarian lunches and wooden toys from sustainable trees, that friend better be driving 1.5 hrs a week in a horse and buggy for you to give it a green light!
Erica-- Thanks for your thoughtful comments. I'm glad you found something universal in my experiences.
Anonymous-- You make a great point (about the unsustainability of driving 1 1/2 hours for a playdate) which highlights the irrationality of OCD and how it can distort not only perceptions but also priorities. From the green angle, your point highlights how complex it can be for mothers--and everyone else who tries to live a sustainable lifestyle in our car-based, commuter culture--to create a fulfilling life for ourselves and our children while adhering to our values. I try to drive fuel-efficient cars and minimize my use of them to hopefully offset the times when I need to trek across town for my daughter's benefit. But then you could validly argue that I shouldn't be driving at all, and instead should take a bus--i.e. there are degrees of "green" just as there are degrees of "clean" and potential inconsistencies in all of our choices.
Pam over at pastorpam has some great things to say about this essay. Check it out.
This essay enlightened me a great deal regarding OCD. I do hope that Elisabeth seeks out help for her condition, as it is certainly impacting her child's daily activities and very likely her sense of security in the world. While I try to keep my home as chemical free as I can, I must say that a doorknob or carpet is likely no worse than the dirt, bugs, and parasites in your own back yard. I just can't help but feel that this child's going to grow up thinking that the only safe place to be is at home with mom and dad. If that doesn't stunt her development....
I teach Music Together, also a music and movement program for toddlers and caregivers. And my daughter is 23, thank God. I am so glad not to be in that fragile and exhausting state of new mother. I was never as OCD as the author, but I can certainly relate to some of her worries. However, like her, I had a spouse to balance out my concerns. I have often wondered if my daughter would have learned to walk without her father insisting that I let her go, and if she falls, she falls!
In my classes, I see the children who are kept sheltered by their parents and the ones who are not and there is a difference. Those who are allowed and encouraged to be more independent are and seem to have more fun. Those who are allowed to stay on laps and be carried all the time seem to be more anxious and shy. Many children are good mirrors of their parents, though sometimes one can see very different personalities in parent and child, but then the other parent shows up and you see it! The author was very honest and open about her disorder, but I think that is what it was about, much more than anything to do with Kindermusik. The title is misleading. But a good story and enlightening while also painfully true about the emotional see-saw of many new mothers.
Terri
Sorry to break it to you, but there are germs and carcinogens no matter what we do. This from someone who reads labels, buys organic as much as possible, carpools, refuses to drive her kids to school (they can take the bus, even in high school) etc. etc. Yes, avoid the bad stuff as much as possible. And then relax - or you'll have high blood pressure and no fun!!
Best cure for parental obsessions: Have a second child. (Please don't be appalled.) You CAN"T obsess too much - there isn't enough time. The single children I know with obsessive parents have a myriad of problems - sorry, but it's true. They are either too self absorbed, because their personal universe revolves around them and they expect the outside world to also, OR they are incredibly high strung (needing to please the parents) OR both. And PLEASE don't over abdicate for your kids. My eldest is off to college this week (sob, sob) and she is having a great time, meeting profs, meeting students, asking questions, auditioning for this and writing entry essays for that, in part because we insisted SHE self advocate with teachers - since grade one -- and we RARELY did. AND because she had to learn to share our attention with a younger, and very beloved sister.
Despite all of the above, I have to say that at the end of it all, your resolution was great (too bad the family is 45 minutes away). IF you can provide music/movement experience for your child, then by all means do it and find a more relaxing way (for you) to provide that social interaction that IS needed. Kindermusik - and programs like it - have an important place (are you aware of the close links between music and brain development, including higher math, etc? More for you to research). And these music programs are really for folks that don't feel comfortable with providing music/movement experience on their own, and for those wanting to combine music experience with social interaction.
Best of luck. I've been there. Despite the anxiety - and we all have it - it's all worth it.
I'm not a mom, but this essay kind of made me sad. Hanging decorations and hand stamps are FUN! I know they made me happy as a kid...I can still feel the smile spreading across my face as a teacher reached out to me with a bright-blue stamp that would go on my waiting hand. How exciting!
And guess what?
I survived. With no major allergies or medical problems which, I've heard, are the curse of children raised in a completely sterile environment.
I promise you. One "forgetful mom" hurrying across a carpet in sneakers is NOT going to kill or otherwise seriously maim your child. Nor will the common cold she might - gasp! - get from touching a stranger's hand.
Please, please, let your child have some fun. Whether it's Kindermusik or not. She'll be better-adjusted for it.
Like Erica above, I too was prepared to dismiss this essay at first, unable to relate to the progressive ways of Ms. De Vos. I'm glad I didn't. The essay was so personal and touching - I found myself rooting for an acceptable solution to little Mari's dilemma.
I am mother to a toddler as well. Anxiety runs rampant on occasion, even without the misfortune of OCD. You are to be commended for biting the bullet and exploring options outside your comfort zone.
Generally speaking, we moms seem to lean towards being overprotective, with or without OCD! I see no fault in that. Thank you again for a glimpse into another mother's world.
Loved the article. The Kindermusic doesn't sound great and I do NOT have OCD. The dirt would not bother me so much (I have always been a big believer in dirt, funnily enough. I used to let my daughter crawl on the ground in restaurants, stores, the sidewalk...). And I would not have been informed enough to know about the asbestos issue with the ceiling.
What would really have driven me around the bend would have been the commercialism of the whole thing, the introduction of commercial characters so young, the simplistic music (I say much better to go with your music any day), the plasticness of it all. Ick.
But you are going to need more than one playdate a week to keep your toddler active. Any local playgrounds appropriate for toddlers?
I'm borderline OCD and also went through many of the same anxieties with my first. But the suggestion to have another kid is wise: It'll put your fears in perspective and teach you context (and that you can't possibly keep kids in a bubble). Like you, my husband also talked me down from my fears. He has two older daughters, and his experience helped tremendously. Oh, one other thing: Germs are GOOD. Antibacterial soap is BAD. The more you shield the child from this stuff, the more likely you are to have one illness after the other in preschool and beyond, since the child's body will have built up no immunities to the myriad dangers lurking everywhere.
I was just about to post a scathing comment on this article but then was reminded to "play nice, now." But still, my comment would basically be "get real." Several things about this article upset me, but mostly I thought it read like it was written by yet another self-involved and self-important baby boomer proclaiming the notion that the '60s gave rise to all that is good and true and that everyone who came after them is unworthy. Your "values" seem so judgemental and closed minded to me; progressive is just not the word I would use to describe them. Your daughter sounds like a delightful and resilient girl, but what kind of playmate, classmate, or colleague is she going to be if she isn't allowed to grow up in the real world, the one in which people occasionally walk around indoors with their shoes on?
Seek help. I say that in all sincerity and having read your article carefully. For the sake of your daughter, seek help.
I read this article hoping to learn something about the kindermusic program, but was terrible disappointed. It wasn't a complete waste though because your concise description of OCD is superb and enlightening. Still, this is a difficult article to read and should be entitled differently, because it really has nothing to do with kindermusic. The author would have the same concerns, if she walked into anyone's home or business. All the best...
P.S.
Don't worry--you're daughter will grow up to be wonderful.
I'm sorry for all these anonymous comments about getting help and getting real. OCD is not something you can just switch off and come back to Earth. And the author did state that she has/is getting help. It's an every day battle. Keep fighting!
With that said, grating cheese for her lunch? I don't want to make you ballistic (I know you have a lot to worry about already), but even the highest grade organic humane cheese tests positive for blood, pus, urine, feces, and more! If you're already vegetarian and truly concerned about the environment and your health, going non-dairy is an easy step. http://www.notmilk.com/kradjian.html
what a wonderful funny smart interesting writer you are. I laughed so hard reading your piece.
I don't care where you do or don't take your child, I just want to read about your process.
I feel a little sorry for the author's daughter. I think she will be missing out on a lot of things in childhood if they have to meet those standards. It really doesn't matter if a child goes to a kiddie music class, it isn't going to make or break their childhood. But if this is the standard, then there won't be many group childhood activities that she will be able to do - birthday parties, pre-school, tots tumbling, swimming lessons etc.
I don't know much about OCD, so I find it difficult to relate to that aspect. But as a mother I can relate to wanting what is best for a child. I know that every mother's definition of what is best will be different. I can totally respect that the author is trying. One thing that I thought was strange was there was no indication whether or not the daughter enjoyed the class. For me, my daughter's reaction would be one of the most important parts of the decision.
Just an aside - honestly a child that doesn't watch TV under 3 years old won't know the different between big bird and a generic cartoon bird so I think the concern for the commercialization is misplaced. It didn't sound like they made a sales pitch in class either. These sounded more like excuses.
I'm not OCD but have family members who are, and I know it's an ongoing struggle that can be made more difficult by life changes and stress (esp. new parenthood). I will also concur with the previous posters that second-time parents are a lot more blase about germs, etc. than first-time parents. You have to be. Not to mention, my kids always have someone to play with now!
I think every parent needs to get to a point where they realize they cannot control everything their child encounters in the environment. Sending your child to preschool or daycare or pretty much any social activity/public place is going to put them in contact with dirt, germs, contaminants, etc. Once you cede this sense of control, and focus on the major hazards rather than every possible risk, believe me, parenthood is a much less stressful place. And as others pointed out, exposure to outside dirt is actually good for the immune system--no five-second rule in my household. IMHO, it's our hypersanitized culture that is spawning killer drug-resistant diseases, not popcorn ceilings or shoe dirt.
Elisabeth's extreme anxiety about venturing into a public environment almost makes me wonder if she's a little agoraphobic as well. Her preferences strike me not so much as someone who is "progressive," but as someone who is obsessive about avoiding contamination of any kind. I sincerely hope she can find good therapeutic help to assist her in sorting out her true beliefs from the obsessions of her illness--I myself have struggled enough with my own demons (depression) to know the difficulty in sorting out reality from the sickness in my mind. I also hope Elisabeth can find Mari MANY opportunities for being with other kids in a group, because all toddlers need to learn to be part of a group and interact with their peers. Can Elisabeth find a moms' group of people who share her interests and preferences, possibly through an OCD support group or environmental organization? Can she move to be nearer her loved ones and friends? She seems so isolated, and seems to really need a support network to help her learn to navigate the germy world of modern parenthood.
I also applaud her for giving us a brutally honest glimpse into the limitations of a mental condition that is far more common than most of us realize.
Finally, I'm here to reassure her that she is not the only person turned off by commercial "enrichment" programs. Send your kid to a good preschool program, join a playgroup, go to the playground or story hour at the public library, and keep on listening to music at home--there are SO many options for toddler socialization and learning that don't involve structured routines or franchised entertainment!
Wow. Lots of contradictions.
I wish you and your family well. OCD is difficult to live with.
I'm a Ph.D.,child therapist and Kindermusik mom. I'm sorry you had a difficult experience. Each KM program is different depending on how the teacher presents the materials, though the curriculum is the same.
Our classes are held in a studio in midtown next to an art gallery and under an attorney's office. A different environment than a strip mall. Even the Chicago Symphony sponsors KM classes.
Kindermusik is essentially a child development class for parents and children which teaches developmental skills through music and movement. Older child classes focus on teaching reading of music and playing instruments. Gross motor, fine motor, rhythm, language, stopping, starting, self control and turn taking are all experienced in a fun environment.
You need to find what is a good fit for your daughter. OCD or not, many of us have to adjust to the environments our children are in. We aren't always supposed to be comfortable. It's about the kids. You'll have to find a way to take her to school when she is required to go unless you are planning on homeschooling.
We are putting our son in a private school. The admissions director specifically noted that because our son is in Kindermusik and other parent participatory children's activities, she does not recommend a preschool program, as he already has developed many of the skills focussed on in preschool.
And really, Putumayo? That's as commercialized as the next music. I know, as I have several CDs in our eclectic collection of music and instruments.
Finally, all hybrid batteries are not good for the environment in the long term. Moderation in everything is good plan.
Best wishes.
Hi, just read the article. My daughter loves her Kindermusik, I think each program is a bit different depending on the teacher...I would urge every mom interested in it for her child to try it out and see. Our teacher also throws all the toys put in mouths straight into the sink, there's one in the room, to be washed at the end of class.
I just finished reading this essay and feel compelled to comment. Like the author, I am a vegetarian, counter-cultureish, environmentally-conscious person who struggles with OCD. Like the author, I am mother to a toddler. I also, however, happen to be a licensed Kindermusik educator. Let me assure you that most of your reactions to your preview class stemmed from your OCD, not from "wanting only the best" for your child. I do understand feeling uncomfortable with the commercialized characters placed into the class book--that was a choice by the individual instructor, and not one that I would ever make in my own classes. However, the comment that someone else made saying "any child who doesn't watch TV won't know the difference" was right on.
Also, you and your readers should know that Kindermusik is NOT a franchise. It is a curriculum that only licensed educators may teach, and there is much, much more that goes into the licensing process than simply proving that you can carry a tune and promising to sell home kits. (By the way, the home kits are actually a vital part of the classes because the CDs and manipulatives provide the repetition that children need in order to learn.) Please know, too, that the music used in class and on the home CDs comes from all over the world. It is much more than cutesy little nursery rhymes; new connections are made in children's brains every time they hear a new type of music, so it is fundamental to the Kindermusik program to have a wide variety of musical influences. In one 45-minute class alone last week, we used music from Scotland, Africa, China and Ireland, as well as a ragtime piece and a Southern folk tune.
I would also like to respond to the comment that someone made saying, ". . .these music programs are really for folks that don't feel comfortable with providing music/movement experience on their own. . . ." Yes, of course it is wonderful for parents to share music with their children at home! However, this comment is way off base. I have a music degree and come from a family with many generations of composers, conductors, instructors, and performers. I surely could (and do) provide my son with a wide variety of music & movement experiences in the comfort of our own home. However, experiencing Kindermusik classes with him (with a different teacher than myself) over the past 2 1/2 years has been absolutely amazing! It has expanded his world in so many ways that I could not do by myself. He has an astounding grasp of rhythm and math skills, as well as fine and gross motor skills. He sings in a beautiful head voice. Kindermusik has helped him learn to socialize, share, take turns, interact with other children and adults, listen carefully, respect his teacher, and add new words to his vocabulary. It has enriched MY life, too, with a myriad of new activities and songs to share with my son and future daughter. I wouldn't trade it for the world!
Yes, both as a teacher and as a participant, I do struggle with wanting to wash my hands (and all of the instruments) constantly. I die a little inside when I have to hold hands with a child who sneezed 20 minutes ago. But, you know, to us adults Kindermusik seems like just child's play, with silly little activities and a homemade book with the students' faces in it. But once you "get it" you see that there is SO MUCH MORE going on under the surface that makes it worth every moment of discomfort and even the occasional caught cold. Truly, my son is a better person for having experienced Kindermusik, as am I. I hope someday you will be able to get past your own limitations and give your daughter the gift of truly doing what's best for her.
This article was eye opening concerning your OCD. I truly feel for you and especially your daughter. I completely agree with the person who wrote in saying- have another child. Socialization and the inability to over analize - problem solved, almost. With more than one child- you CAN'T fight so many small battles.
I hope you get help for your OCD for many reasons- mostly for your family's health, emotionally. I'm not trying to sell you on a certain kind of help- just something to take away some of the anxiety- maybe yoga versus medication? As a mother of four- I too can't stand being sold "things" at every moment- but we love our Kindermusik here- and our teacher wouldn't think of doing anything to harm my children..ie: exposing them to elmo...our teacher is the best!
I so hope for your daughter that you will venture out and take part in something outside your home- and expand your horizons on Kindermusik- it is SO much more than Putumayo. Your brief experience is not a measure of what Kindermusik has to offer. My children have taken every class and curriculum offered over the course of 7 years and my one year old will continue on for 7 years as well. The benefits far outweigh the occasional contact with varying germs- to address your main concern. Isn't Mari worth a certain amount of discomfort on your part. Afterall, the class is for her benefit- not yours. Though I'll say that after 7 years- and still going- I know more about Mothering and child development from my Kindermusik teacher. Best of luck ,and do try homeschooling- it is a constantly trying but rewarding experience- like non-other. But again- socialzing outside the home is still important.
As the sister of one who has extreme OCD, AND a Kindermusik teacher, I can understand both sides of the authors turmoil. Not all Kindermusik programs are so commercialized (I sell no products, except the home materials that are included in my program fee, with no padding for me to earn more), and feel that the child comes first, learning everything with Music as the tool for learning. I hope the author might try another program if she wasn't happy with the first, as she herself (or perhaps her own sister) said that the curriculum is good, it's all on who delivers it.
I'm very dissappointed that the title of your essay could lead people to believe that Kindermusik is not worth exploring. I am a Kindermusik mom and my first experience with my 5- week-old daughter was wonderful. My teacher was kind, nurturing, and the lessons I learned in my first year of classes were more valuable than anyone could teach me. Kindermusik has nothing to do with carpets,ceilings, and many of the OCD-related issues that you expressed in your essay. What your article should have presented was how going into a strip mall with new carpeting and exposing your child to a new group activity with all of its' bells and whistles made you uncomfortable. It just happened to be a Kindermusik class, and now dozens of moms who read this article could potentially make a judgement call before they even try a Kindermusik class. I can assure you, as a Kindermusik teacher, that my ability to 'carry a tune and sell home materials' is not the most important part of my business. Caring for my moms and students and creating a nurturing and educational atmosphere are the most important.
I hope that moms and caregivers who read your article will look beyond your personal experience and see what Kindermusik, or any other group musical activity, is really all about.
As the Aunt of a little boy with OCD I read your article with a alot of interest. However, as a parent, music educator with both a Bachelor's and Masters in Music Education, and a very happy Kindermusik Educator I could feel my self getting very upset. There have been countless studies done that have proven that formal music education is extremely beneficial to a child. I chose to become a Kindermusik Educator because of the high standards of the curriculum and the liscensing process. You are wrong that the only thing that someone has to do is to be able to carry a tune and to promise to sell the materials! This is a very unfair generalization. I hope that you will consider joining a Kindermusik class...it really is a wonderful program! I hope that your comments regarding Kindermusik do not damage Kindermusik Programs.
Dear Readers,
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. It's enlightening as both a writer and a mom to receive your feedback.
Because so many of you expressed your concern, I'd like you to know that Close Encounters with Kindermusik was written almost three years ago. Since then I've made significant progress in my recovery from OCD, and as a result, its impact on my daughter has been minimized. Mari is now in her third year of group activities--with all the attendant dirty floors, handstamping, and germs!
Also, many Kindermusik moms and educators posted, and from their remarks, it appears that the Kindermusik I tried was more commercial and less clean than their locations. Such is luck.
Thinking about the above, a question occurred to me: if I tried Kindermusik now, when OCD is not a significant factor, what would I think? My best guess is that I would still choose to look for other activities for my child, as I prefer programs that are nonprofit based.
Thank you all again for reading and posting. My best wishes on your motherhood journey, and to those of you affected by OCD, my sympathy and encouragement.
Elisabeth DeVos
This article kind of makes me mad, sad, and excited all at the same time. That means it's good. On some level.
On another, forgive me, but it makes me angry. At you, for not being normal and at me for being unable to conform to your all-organic, franchise and television-free ways. I know people like you, is the thing. I know people whose obsessions with the safety of their children's environments have gotten in the way of friendships. I know people who make their own cleaning products, refuse to eat at restaurants, and lump down all sorts of obsessions to "green living" and being "envionmentally correct." I know people who, being forever unable to meet their standards of child-rearing, I've given up on, much as they've given up on me because I think germs are okay. Because I watch tv. Because I will never pick up my daughter's inorganic cheerios that she grinds into the off-gassing floor fast enough. On some level, it's pretty sad, both ways around.
And then there's the other shoe, the one where I read things about computer laptops spewing out chemicals and have several minutes of worry, about whether raising my daughter next to a computer is just as poisonous as the expressway a block from our house. And that makes me think no mother is completely immune from all of this -- although, in an ideal world, I think, we should be able to filter out what's absurd and what isn't -- or help each other do so.
So basically I am amazingly conflicted about this piece, but at the same time I am extremely thankful to you for sharing it. For exposing your soft underbelly. We all have one. It's just rare that we admit that.
And I wish you, Mari and your husband the best.
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